This post is about something that I've been dealing with. I'm looking at it as my own personal therapy session, like when you write a letter to express your anger or frustration with someone, but don't have any intention of sending it to them.  This is similar. I'm hoping that by putting this out there, it will begin the healing or acceptance process.

So here goes.

My husband and I have a 16 year old son and he's awesome and wonderful and we have so much fun together. When he was little, and it would have been the time to think about having a second, I wasn't feeling any indications that I wanted a second child. And this was earth-shattering to me.  It was never my 'life-plan' to only have one.  I always assumed, figured, expected, that I would have at least two children. So when I wasn't feeling any interest in another baby, I didn't know what to do with that. My husband was fine with having one and so I waited, thinking I'd experience some clarity and get a sign. I read about having one child. I saw a counselor who said he thought I wanted another one, but later he said that sometimes not getting a strong 'yes' is also a sign.

There were a number of things contributing to this mind frame and I was worried that mentally I was not in the right place to have another child, nor was my marriage in a strong enough place. Did I sell myself and my husband short? Probably. Yes. But at the time, I couldn't see the forest for the trees, and it felt like another baby would tip the scales in a negative way. 

For years I felt great about our decision and then, over the past year or so, the doubts crept in, or the regret.  I'd see families with more than one child and feel envious or wistful.  And, I worry for our son, that we deprived him of a sibling.  As my parents age, I see the things children often do for their parents, and how having siblings can be a comfort.

The obvious issue here is that we will not be having another child. So, acceptance and peace are the goal -- and gratefulness for the wonderful son and family life we do have.  I'm not sure why I'm struggling with this so much, or what to do about it, other than to replace any thoughts of regret I have with those of gratitude.

So, here it is, out there.